We are constantly bombarded with messages which tell us that "we are what we do". But what is the outcome of subcribing to this view too strongly? And what happens if we cannot always "do" enough?

In high school I had a friend who had one kidney removed. The reason was that the one kidney could not function normally - as a result it was the size of a R5 coin. Her other kidney however was overdeveloped, twice the size of a normal kidney. In life there are two pillars that construct our self-esteem, the pillar of competency (doing) and the pillar of believing we are worthy (being) – invariably one of these pillars is overdeveloped and the other underdeveloped.

In talking to Celia Coburn, my self-esteem counsellor about these pillars, she has shared with me that invariably someone has one of these two pillars overdeveloped. In my case, I rely entirely on my competency to feel validated.

We are therefore working on the pillar of self-worth, the knowledge and understanding that no matter what I do, I am still worthy of love and I deserve fulfilment, happiness and love. As mentioned earlier, I have come to realise that my self-esteem has always been reliant on what I can do, how indispensable to people I could become. As a result I felt that my only value came from my ability to perform a task or to lead a project.

In itself this is not bad – it is a good thing to acknowledge our competencies and skills, to persevere in developing skills for effectiveness in life. However, this becomes destructive when all our self-esteem rests in this pillar. For example, I have always suffered from the “impostor syndrome” – a fear that people will find out that I don’t really know how to do XYZ. A further example that has sometimes impacted me is the fear that strikes when things get difficult; when a project is not flowing or when I can’t personally deliver a particular outcome.

We worked through a really valuable exercise where Celia asked me to draw a picture describing the way I feel about this pillar. My first reaction was that I can’t draw. I felt all this pressure to do well. This is such a perfect example of how we rely on our ability to do instead of resting in the fact that my best is enough.

Anyway, my sketch was a picture of an arum lily in a pot. The flower had everything it needed to be beautiful, and yet it couldn’t stand on its own. It was limp and listless. I felt that it needed the sunlight, rain and nutritious soil that would bring abundance and yet there was absolutely nothing that the plant itself could do to gain this. You can imagine that for me who relies on my ability it is a difficult place to be.

This is where understanding and believing the pillar that I am worthy of receiving the sunlight of life, worthy of receiving all the nutrition for growth and worthy of receiving love, comes in. As my belief system about myself changes and I allow moments for receiving, I am gaining more peace and contentment, not pushing so hard, not being so driven.

I wish I could say that the change was instantaneous; rather it is a daily process of applying the understanding. I have regular moments throughout the day that I check to see if I am giving myself the time, the moments to just be. Some days I do better than others, but I do feel the change and I am experiencing the difference.

Should you be interested in contacting Celia, please email This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it

• Add New

Comments (0)

Write comment

Name:

Email: do not notifynotify

Website:

Title:

Message:

Please input the anti-spam code that you can read in the image.