Competition and collaboration have a yin-yang relationship, and like good sex, the greatest joy and the greatest power is found when they merge into each other and become one.

A friend of mine ran the Comrades Marathon three times before he immigrated to New Zealand. The first two times he failed to finish the race, but on the third attempt he finished well within the cut-off time. A few weeks later I questioned him about what made the third run different. His answer was as startling as it was simple: “This time I ran with women!”

In the first two races, he explained, as soon as he started struggling and falling behind, the men he was running with would press on ahead, throwing a “see you at the finish” over their shoulders. The women, however, stayed with him, encouraged him, and helped him stay in the race, probably sacrificing their own times in the process.

This is pretty typical behaviour from both the men and the women. Competition is bred into men from birth, and, according to researchers, is a strong feature in all male relationships.

In a competition like Comrades, when men are at their competitive height, they will resist anything that keeps them from winning. This applies irrespective of how they might define victory, and even when they compete only with themselves. Thus, in business, the language of warfare and dominance abounds. And in relationships, a kind of schizophrenia may creep in, as men seek both intimacy and “conquest”.

Of course, competition offers great benefits. It spurs us on to growth and development, challenging us to explore what we’re really capable of. It teaches us valuable lessons about ourselves and others, and builds character both through the discipline required to win and through the deep pain of failure. However, when competition is the exclusive driving force in a person, a relationship or an organisation, it leaves behind a wake of broken lives, destructive interactions or dysfunctional families and empty existences, winners with no one left with whom to share the spoils.

For many women - even some who are naturally strong competitors – competition never becomes the primary motivator. While the joy of the challenge and the satisfaction of winning remain important, many women will turn away from the conquest if it means sacrificing their sense of community and belonging. From their earliest moments little girls are taught to care for and nurture others, to lay aside their own needs and be attentive to those around them.

They are praised and rewarded for making a success of relationships and may later bury their dreams in order to help a partner achieve their own victory – much like the women who slowed down and ran with my friend to help him finish the race.

Again, there is tremendous value added to any family or team where such self-sacrifice and collaboration is evident. Groups that develop high levels of trust and co-operation are the best environments in which to live and work, and the longevity of these relationships is certainly enhanced.
New ideas can emerge as minds are given time and trust to connect and explore together. However, when collaboration becomes the sole principle by which we operate, we tend to end up in a very warm and cosy rut; friendships are strong, but there is little to stretch us, challenge us or confront us, and ultimately motivation, creativity and vibrancy may suffer.

What I find to be both a fascinating and a disturbing trend in society today is that in many environments collaboration and competition are perceived to be polar opposites, mutually exclusive. It is strange, though, that in so many spheres, the two co-exist, almost unseen, and together create a profound and almost magical power. Perhaps the most obvious place where this is seen is in the sports world, where local or provincial teams battle it out for dominance, while planning and organising together, agreeing to abide by the same rules, and ultimately working together to create a strong national team. If this can happen when competition and co-operation are almost unconsciously brought together, imagine what can happen when they are intentionally united behind a strong purpose.

Stop for a moment and think about your own life – your work, your relationships and your own personal journey.

• Where are you in competition with others, or with yourself (perhaps grappling with a failure to attain standards or goals that you set for yourself)?
• How can you introduce greater levels of collaboration into these competitive environments, and what impact might this have?
• Where is collaboration the primary principle in your life?
• What benefits or struggles are you experiencing in this place?
• How might adding a little competition change things for the better and create some new energy?

Let me end with a disclaimer and an invitation. I recognise that competition is not exclusively male, and that many women are deeply and inherently competitive. I also recognise that collaboration is not the sole domain of women and that many men are highly relational and nurturing. However, these two principles have a yin-yang relationship, and like good sex, the greatest joy and the greatest power is found when they merge into each other and become one. The invitation is to let a little more of this kind of sex into your life.

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Comments (1)

• |2009-12-04 17:33:02 Ginger  - It's a male world
  I work in the nearly exclusively male dominated world of mining. How do i go about merging my nurturing nature with their (sometimes counter productive) competitive ways? And how do i prevent my nurturing nature as being seen as a weakness, thus slowing down my chances of promotion?
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