 One of the biggest challenges that women in general face is the art of saying “no” without feeling guilty. These two concepts seem inextricably linked in our brains, and yet it is very debilitating and energy draining, to say the least.
We need to learn that we are entitled to say no, but may need some help in getting our heads around this foreign concept. It all boils down to the concept of self worth and believing that your time is of value to YOU. We tend to put ourselves at the bottom of our own priority list, and then wonder why we have no vital spark left, and where our oodles of energy and compassion for self have gone. When you are constantly saying “yes” to everyone else, you will be the loser in your own life.
Here are some tips from a professional coaching point of view:
TIP 1
Quite simply, the bottom line is to get over you! Harsh but true. Stop thinking that you need to be all things to all people. Whilst this seems like a wonderful way to live, you will come off second best, and land up having nothing to offer. This will lead directly to the idea that you do not value yourself in the equation, and every time you say yes to others when you really ought to be saying no, you will land up feeling resentful, angry, used and taken advantage of. So give up this need to feel bad about yourself and to make yourself feel needed and important through saying yes all the time.
TIP 2
Rather than thinking about saying no to others….how about re-framing the whole concept and think about saying yes to yourself? This simple switch can appease a lot of the associated guilt trip we give ourselves. Remember that the moment you take yourself more seriously and value that you have your own priorities and goals to achieve each day, that is when others will start taking you more seriously as well. You teach others how to treat you, so if you want a different result to always feeling like the doormat, you need to take different actions.
TIP 3
Use a buffer line as a standard response from now on when still learning the art of saying no. Try this out for practice: when someone asks you to do something, you can say; “I would love to help you out but I need to check my diary, and I will get back to you tomorrow” – or you can say - “My schedule is really busy at the moment and I don’t want to do something half-heartedly, so please see if you can find someone else”. You get the idea. That way you do not say yes as your standard answer, and simply create a little pause for yourself to really assess if you want to do it or not. All too often we say yes purely out of habit.
TIP 4
Never say an outright no as this can feel horribly foreign to you and rude to the other person. So always start your answer with ‘’I would love to but am unable to right now”. And remember that you do not ever need to give reasons or excuses as to why you cannot do something for someone else; give up the need to justify your life. Keep it simple.
TIP 5
Have patience with yourself. It does not suddenly become easy to say no just because you want to. Remind yourself that you are learning a new skill that is foreign to you. It can help to acknowledge it in the following way: ‘Even though it is really difficult for me to say no to others without feeling guilty, I am going to value myself enough to say no anyway.’ This can help you to remember you are charting new territory and the moment you do not expect it to be easy every time, it will help you to keep moving forward. In no time at all it will become second nature for you to discern when to say yes and when to say no from your inner guidance, as opposed to guilt and habit.
About the author: Kate Emmerson is a professional coach, clutter clearer, speaker and writer. She assists you to create your life by creating space.Visit www.life-coaching.co.za to sign up for a complimentary course on “How to change one thing”.
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