Being a mom can carry many worries. Being a mom of teenagers and knowing the statistics around teenage sexuality can be frightening. What do you do?


When most teens are asked “Why do you think sex before marriage is fine?” the most common replies are:

• What if I never get married? I don’t want to miss out.
• I don’t know, I just do it, I just feel like it.
• It’s natural, everybody is doing it.
• It’s not hurting anybody.
• I’m tired of wanking, I want the real deal.
• I’m just bored.
• If you love your partner it is fine.
• You need to experience it.
• You need to know what you are doing before you get married.
• You must test drive- you don’t just get a partner blind.
• If I do it, it shows that I am a man.

From these comments one thing is very clear: parents are not talking to their children about sex realistically. Many parents seem to be reluctant to talk to their children about it. Some parents are simply too shy, some are intimidated, some feel their children already know everything, some feel they should “let sleeping dogs lie”, and others are happy to have their children experiment and experience the beauty of sex. Some parents do talk to their children about sex, but in very biological terms, which leaves the child more confused than anything else. Then there are parents who bravely hand their children ‘the book’.

From speaking to teenagers about sex over the past seven years we have found that the direct approach is the most effective. After each talk we ask the class to fill out a feedback form. The most common comments are “Thanks for being real”; “Finally a talk I can understand”.

Teenagers are tired of wishy-washy opinions. They are hungry for absolutes. You can’t hand your child a condom and then say “But I would rather you don’t have sex”; this is a confusing message. I recently spent an extended period of time with some 16 and 17 year olds. They were so hungry for ‘realness’. They were fascinated by the fact that I spoke to them as I speak to my children. They all without fail said, “I wish my mom would speak to me like this!” “My dad would freak if I asked him these questions.” “I wish I knew all these things about my folks”.

One boy said he had tried to speak to his mom about relationships and sex but she said “It hurts too much to talk about this stuff”. Many of their questions broke my heart. For all they knew, they know nothing that really matters.

Parents, start getting real. You have had a life, so talk about it. You are a parent so you have obviously had some sexual experience/s - talk about the emotions involved. Your life story could save your children from messing up. Your being real could prevent them from making the same mistakes you made. Your life story could change their lives for the better. I am not suggesting you hang it all out there, but I am saying GET REAL. None of us is perfect! We are all damaged to some degree. Don’t let your failures or feelings of inadequacy keep you back, use them to change lives – positively.
Your children are hungry to know you, I mean really know you! If you are scared they will see that you are not perfect, believe me, they already know that. Just take the risk!

HeartReach is an organisation that presents abstinence-based sex talks to school-goers, youth groups, young adults and singles groups of all ages. Parent talks are routinely conducted to help parents engage with their children. For more information please contact Shelley on This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it or call 082-330-1437.

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