Many intelligent, independently-minded women get caught up in abusive relationships and marriages, and end up bearing the brunt of their partner's disfunctional tendencies. But there can be freedom and healing. Gwen Maditse shares one of many such stories, and offers a perspective of hope.

Once upon a time, there was a housewife, with 3 daughters and a bachelor’s degree in political science. She was head girl, active during her university years and an independent thinker. She chased away a young man whom her uncle decided she should marry. Forget tradition, and the fact that her uncle was trying to help in the absence of her father. She would decide whom to marry.

She married a man that she chose and they built a life together: holiday homes, international travel, private school for the children, and such.

Things fell apart. He had multiple affairs, paid for fertility treatment for one mistress, and twice had her served with divorce papers. Over the years, he systematically destroyed her self esteem. She wanted to work outside the home but he didn’t think it was a good idea. Complained about her cooking, coached her on how a woman of her means should “act”. Why didn’t she buy expensive clothes and jewelry? Why didn’t she want the new luxury car that he insisted on buying approximately every two years? Why couldn’t she just fit in to their lifestyle?

This is a true story of Lena’s life (fictitious name). But it is not only Lena’s story. Abuse is the story of too many women.

The first time Lena received the divorce papers she was caught off guard. She was doing everything he asked and more. They worked it out. The second time was different. This time, she was shocked to receive the documents, especially in the middle of studying for an exam, and soon realised that this was yet another attempt by him to make it clear that he was in control. This time would be different. No need to try to work it out, it was time to get on with life…her life.

I met Lena at a Women’s Day conference. When she asked me to coach her, I assumed it would be to help her process her emotions. I was wrong. Lena’s coaching is about self discovery and self improvement. She will complete her second degree in a year or so, and is simultaneously writing two books and looking after her daughters.

The politically-minded, independent thinking and creative Lena is on the march. Fear, anger and regret do not dominate her thoughts. I sense that she knows that fostering negative emotions would create an unwelcome diversion.

She operates from a core of strength, courage and emotional maturity that I find amazing and inspiring. We discuss “him” from time to time but as she puts it: “this is not about him”. She feels pity for him. He is showing signs of changing his mind about the divorce. For her, that is not an option.

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