Our wedding day, for most of us, is the most joyous of days, with the fairytale ending of “happily ever after” being the ultimate goal. Divorce is something that happens to other people and it is certainly not something for which we plan. But when a marriage does end up in the divorce courts the consequences go way beyond the D-decision.

There are four main kinds of division that take place when there is a parting of ways: the division of the couple themselves, and of the family, which impacts on the children; the division of the assets of the marriage; the social division; and the fracturing that takes place internally for many. Most couples caught up in the chaos focus fiercely on the division of the assets – something that is all too often coloured by great emotion and distress. Family and friends are observers on the sidelines, while the children become the pawns on the chessboard of life.

These are the pitfalls to be aware of:

Money talks
It is wise if there is a lot of anger and pain not to head too hastily to the divorce courts, but to rather wait for cooler heads. The only winners here are, more often than not, the lawyers who fight the battles that can become very ugly, costly and protracted.

Whatever the legal basis of your marriage – whether it is community of property or ANC (including the accrual) – you are entitled by law to share in your spouse’s pension interest in any retirement fund of which he or she is a member. The divorce order needs to make specific reference to this – to the name of the fund and to what percentage of the pension interest must be awarded to you. Michelle Human, Legal Marketing Specialist at Liberty Life says that in terms of the “clean break” principal you are entitled to payment of your share of the benefit immediately. Michelle says that it is important to think carefully about what you want to do with these funds. Remember that this is not simply a cash windfall; it is a valuable part of your retirement plan, which probably should be reassessed now, in light of your changing circumstances. Michelle advises that you should aim to preserve this benefit if at all possible. If you take the cash, as you may do, you will be liable for tax on it and it will mean that you have less provision on retirement. If you preserve it, by transferring it to another approved fund (practically in most cases this would be an RA or preservation fund), then not only do you defer payment of the tax, but you are ensuring a boost to your individual retirement plan.

Michelle says that you may also want to consider including provision in your divorce settlement that life insurance must be taken out for the benefit of minor or dependent children born to the marriage, as this is an excellent way to ensure that maintenance obligations are met in the event of the death of any one of the parents. “In some cases ex spouses are happy to simply make the children or ex spouse the beneficiary on such a policy, but remember that beneficiaries can easily be changed at any time”, warns Michelle. It is preferable for you to own the policy on your ex spouse's life. An existing policy could also be ceded to ensure that this outcome is achieved. Divorce is an expensive affair as, instead of the pooling and sharing that occurs within a marriage, there are often now two homes and dual expenses.

Consider the children
Where children are involved, this ups the ante dramatically. Do everything in your power to evade the all-too-common trap of using them to force issues with your ex. At the time your children were conceived, chances are the plan was they would grow up with two mature parents in a stable, loving home. Now that story seems to have been rewritten somewhat, and the children are potentially the biggest losers. Remember, no matter how painful or how despairing you feel, you need to be the adult in this situation. The aim of a parent should not change: to be the primary nurturer and educator and to raise caring, healthy, balanced individuals who can make a success of their future lives and relationships. You have to set the example. Decisions about where they will be and how their time will be split between parents can be extremely distressing for them: ensure you put their interests first rather than feeding personal agendas.

Look out for Part II of this article on Women Inc. next week.

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