In the second installment of this article, Lynda Smith suggests some concrete steps to take when facing the prospect of divorce, and after it has happened, to ensure your wellbeing and that of those around you.

The ties that bind
Family and friends feel the pain of a divorce in a deep and challenging way. Through life we build long-term relationships with those close to us. Marriage adds a whole new dimension: we introduce in-laws and new friends to our lives and, often through a divorce, many of those closest to us feel they need to choose sides. The pain and anger brings out conversations and battles that cause rifts that can last a lifetime. If you are contemplating a divorce, it is vital to understand that there are not only two people involved but rather the entire network of people in the inner circle of your life. Tread with care and value those whom you love – and who love you.

Heal yourself
The emotions that surface through a divorce are visible and painful. The grief cycle exposes us to denial, anger, shock, rejection, acceptance and (one hopes) forgiveness.

This is, however, not a given. Many individuals who do not give time and energy to this process, merely bury the unresolved pain deep within. This can surface in many ways over the years. It can reflect in raised stress levels, depression, or even disease such as cancer and heart ailment years later. Those closest to us are often battered by emotional baggage with which we have not dealt.
Take the time to heal after a divorce. Try and work through the pain and the issues that may have led to it. It is advisable to not get back into a new relationship until you have healed. Become a whole, well-rounded human being who can live a complete life, even if that means being alone. The chances of a future marriage lasting can be enhanced through this personal journey.

Look after yourself
Whether you’re married or single, do take ownership of your own long-term financial future. This ensures a better chance of your life story being planned and designed instead of being the victim of a bitter blame-game after a divorce. Have your own investment policies that, on maturity, should be shared with the one you love. If your story doesn’t read this way, at least you can be assured of money in the bank years down the line. Retirement funds should ideally be preserved and not cashed in and spent. Often there is a strong pull to use all available resources for the benefit of minor children, but by ensuring that you have a secure retirement plan you are actually doing your children a favour in the long run.

There is much to be said for growing together with someone, and to sharing a long and fulfilling life. There may well be times and circumstances when divorce may be the best option. But that is not always true. It could be that your feelings of restlessness and boredom have little to do with your spouse, and much to do with other aspects of your life. If you feel the grass is greener on the other side, remember you are taking yourself along with you. Make sure you like what you see (don’t forget to look in the mirror!) and look carefully before you leap.

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