Following on from last week, Julia Paris takes us through a healing exercise for addressing our feelings about our mothers, and ultimately bringing healing and release.

I invite you to do this exercise for and by yourself to discover your mother as a woman and the real legacy you inherited from her. No matter what your experience was, she always did the best she could. You chose to interpret her actions, behaviour, and expression of her feelings; did you ask her for explanations? If not, then you did not know how she felt and why she did what she did. My hope for you is that doing this exercise will bring you healing and a greater understanding of your mother, and eventually yourself as a woman.

So, let us begin…

Take an empty page and find some private space. Then sit quietly for a few moments, focusing on your breath. Just feel the breath and let the thoughts come and go. Then breathe deeply and begin to think about your mother. Keep an open mind and have a lot of tissues at hand. This is an emotional journey. The end result will be emotional freedom and a lot of love and appreciation for your mother, as well as a renewed appreciation for yourself as a woman.

List the things that you know about your mother. Think of her personality, her intelligence, her body, her behaviour, her relationship with your dad and with men and people in general. Think about how she raised you, how you were dependent on her for your development, how she taught you about life and God, fed you, taught you the values you have today and how these things she taught you made you the woman you are today. Think about her likes and dislikes and her sense of humour. Think about the way she dressed, her self esteem and how she carried herself through life. Think about her reverence for life, and how she showed compassion, anger, love, caring, sharing, and happiness.

Now think about the characteristics you inherited from your mom – list both the good and the bad ones.

What bad things do you remember about your mom? How does this make you feel? Good or angry? What would you say to her if you could say it now?

What good things do you remember about your mom? How does this make you feel? Proud, or envious? What would you say to her if you could say it to her now?

Which of your mom’s experiences are you claiming for yourself and carrying with you? How does this impact your thinking right now, and in the future? Why are you taking ownership for it?

What stereotypes are you projecting onto on your mom?

Can you forgive her for the pain she has caused you? Can you forgive her for the scolding, the anger, abandonment, rejection, lack of empathy, jealousy, dependency, bad example, drinking addiction, promiscuous behaviour, divorce, debt consciousness, lack of expressing her love for you, and all the “things she did to you”? Go ahead… feel the anger, sadness and pain, and then forgive her, free yourself and free your mother from the burden of your emotional imprisonment. She did the best she could with the coping mechanisms at her disposal. She did what she knew best to do at the time. Let her off the hook. Release your emotions and set both of you free.

There is nothing more powerful than when women are willing to work together to hold each other up.

Think about this:

• The reason you did not feel compassion for your mom is because you did not have compassion for yourself.

• The reason you do feel compassion for your mother is because you realise that she is a woman just like you, who experienced life and who made the best of what she had and what was handed to her by life.

If for any reason this exercise did not impact your feelings towards your mom, know this:
You do not have to understand your mom or anything she did if you do not want to. Work on understanding yourself and the rest will follow. The choice is always yours.

Finally, be present in your own life, and you will teach your children to be present in theirs.

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