Guys dread the Chick Flick Conundrum. Medical science has proven that a gut-wrenching Hollywood special could reduce a man’s life expectancy by as much as five years, which explains why women generally outlive men.

Refusal to be exposed to this unmanly form of torture and subtle indoctrination, however, firmly classifies you as “a neanderthal, reprobate and male chauvinist pig”. Heads you lose, tails she wins.

It is not that all romantic movies are Chick Flicks – men are not unfeeling brutes you know. A friend summarised it perfectly by pointing out that Chick Flicks and football matches have a lot in common: a bunch of guys falling over their feet in pursuit of a goal, and if you’re lucky one bloke scores.
Despite the formulaic nature of the garden variety cinematographic Mills & Boobs (uh... Boons - Freudian slip), its popularity is rivalled only by other forms of comatose entertainment like You Magazine and sadly sloppy soap-operas. Hollywood clearly knows its audience, and more importantly how to suck the last bit of expendable cash from their pockets.

Why are so many enthralled by so little?
The fact is that things have not changed that much over the ages. In the time of mighty Rome a wise emperor knew that “panum et circe” (bread and games) meant blissful extravagance for yet another year. People love to escape from the harsh edge of reality, and the less they have to think about it the better.

Sadly, it appears that the formula is another reason for the enduring (if not endearing) success of the big schmaltz. Formulas provide easy, predictable and heart-warming results. This is a formula that even your grandmother could recite, whilst smiling wistfully as she recalls her first love-affair somewhere in the late 1800’s.

• Boy meets girl from the other side of track
• Girl has über-cool boyfriend whose heart is black
• Boy makes fool of self but keeps on coming back
• Boyfriend (and ten close buds) gives boy a smack
• Girl (somehow) falls in love and well…

They live happily ever after, hug trees and fight for world peace. Go figure. In hindsight, I consider my primary school reading as Tolstoyan by comparison. At least my first teacher had the good manners not to pretend that there was a deeper meaning hidden behind it all.

Of one traumatic topic, little remains. How do guys defend themselves against this velvety indoctrination? Is the poison in the plot and are all guys doomed to suffer for eternity?

Men of the world unite! There is an answer in these dark days of excess oestrogen. We too have something to offer in the form of brainless entertainment; heroes of limitless testosterone-capacity and limited acting ability: Arnold Schwarzenegger, Jean-Claude van Damme and Sylvester Stallone.

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